"No! You got to find a way to survive
cause they win when your soul dies
Baby please don't cry, you got to keep your head up"
-2 pac

I don't generally write about what I am feeling, or what being in Gaza does to someone...to see your people played with.....without a life or meaningful existence....and what that to someone's will. I've always tried to write about other people's experience and the injustices of the occupation and the siege of Gaza. What I am feeling right now, I think the other 1.5 million people are feeling but much worse. But I think I can legitimately say that I feel what they feel, maybe not the same pressures of having to live under $2 a dollar and feed a family, but I am living and experiencing life in Gaza.

A lot has been going on. I've become obsessed with the news, waiting to see what the large-scale invasion will be, so I can make sure I don't sleep by the windows, or plan ahead and tell my uncle I'll be staying with him. I live by the beach, at the tip of Rafah, on the Egyptian border and almost every night Israel shells the beach. Recently Palestinians have shot at the Israeli naval ship. And we all know how Israel responds....throw a rock, or shoot at Israel, and Israel responds with massive shelling. It's like being on the edge of your seat constantly, jumping at every sound or movement, and too afraid to sleep. We don't have much contact with the rest of the world, so we watch the news to see the latest regarding our fate. Like prisoners, our existence evolves around seeing what Abbas or Rice or Olmert do next...cut off the fuel, postpone the large scale invasion (but continue with the planes and the shelling)...allow some opening of the border. It's a constant game of waiting....helplessly hoping for someone to hear us, to not let our sick die at the border, or let us starve to death.

Life in Gaza has becoming meaningless, and no matter how hard we try to resist the occupation and continue living, we have no life. Ask anyone in Gaza about an invasion, and they will welcome it, ONLY because they already feel dead. The way my aunt said it was like this, "we're already dead, the only thing we need is to be buried, to be pushed into the grave and buried. it's already been dug up for us. " What's a life when you have no salary, there are no jobs, literally, there is nothing to look forward to. What's the point of getting an education or going to school when there is no future, and what's the point of life if you cannot provide for your family?

And I think I can handle the planes, and the shelling, or the shooting that keeps us up at night. I can certainly handle eating the same thing every day, and the loss of electricity, or taking a shower every other day because there is no water.

But what I cannot handle is the hopeless feeling i have in my heart, the loss of will to continue to resist...the feeling that we've been broken down. It's like screaming at the top of your lungs but no sound comes out of your mouth. You first get angry and frustrated because nothing is coming out, but you keep trying in hopes that you will be heard, but soon your throat gets sore and you gradually stop until the scream turns into a whisper. And then you give up.